September 10

I’m listening… Does your life seem hopeless? Whatever your story is, we like to listen. Call 0900 113 0 113 (for free).

This is part of the ProRail (the Dutch National Rail Operator) suicide by train prevention campaign.

What’s in a day?

Besides the hours and the minutes?

What is in an anniversary or day of remembrance?

What’s in a day?

September 10th has always been a full day for me. When I was in the eighth grade I looked to this day for hope.  

September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day.

My childhood and adolescence was scattered with suicidality and mental illness; from watching It’s a Wonderful Life every Christmas Eve, to a best friend’s family members killing themselves, to my dad, dealing with alcoholism and depression.

And, of course, to Ash – who trusted me enough to call me at 3am with difficult words uttered: “I can’t do this anymore.” And “I don’t want to be alive.”  

I became a crusader for suicide prevention.

Hell, I even got To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) tattooed on my inner-left wrist. (twloha.com)

I wanted people to stay alive.

(I still do.)

And, September 10th was my day to let everyone know that they are worthy of hope and healing. I spread this message on this day, for years. And, then my senior year of high school rolled around.

What’s in a day?

I remember September 10, 2014 like it was yesterday. I remember that I parked in the front lot of Bingham High School. I remember that I grabbed an XL Sharpie from the kitchen drawer before I left the house. I remember writing on my arms “We’ll See You Tomorrow” in all CAPS. It was once again my day to share this message of hope to everyone around me. I went to soccer practice and sweat the sharpie off just to write it on again. I drove home at 6:15pm.

I remember the way my knees felt hitting the concrete. I remember the way I hysterically whispered the same thing over and over and over again while my mom drove me to the hospital. I received word that Mia, a woman who is more like my sister than a friend, had gotten into a horrific accident earlier that day. I remember it all. And, it is these memories that reverberate and echo into September 10, 2019.

Indeed, it was this incident on top of many other stressors that lead to my very own personal experience with suicidality. One, that I can say with the help of some incredible mentors, family, and friends, was fairly short lived. But, I feel as though I need to begin being honest with myself and to you all about my own heartbreak and hurt to truly utilize this year not only to understand how others heal from their emotional ache but how I heal from mine.

 But, the reason why I ask – what’s in a day?

Is because an inherent question of my Watson year is why I stay alive.

I often joke that I wake up EvERY DaY.

EvERy DaY I wAkE Up.

And, what is in these days that I wake up that make my life worth living? Is it something within life itself? Is it a mere blessing? A simple gift from God or the Universe? Or, is it something that I ascribe value to? 24 hours at a time? Is it as simple and cliché as the smell of roses or coffee in the morning? What’s in a day that rejuvenates me for the always inevitable next day?

What’s in a day?

It is on this day that I remember why I am so passionate about this project.

I no longer merely want people to stay alive.

I want to know why they stay alive, every-fucking-day.

I have known agony and anguish. And, although these emotions are felt differently across time, I do know the kind of pain that allows the human experience to feel unlivable – so much so that we desire to die. And, it is these feelings of isolation, heartbreak, fatigue, and exhaustion that allow me insight into the suffering that pushes people to take their lives.

I’m still working to understand it all.

But, I know what’s in this day, why I am alive this September 10, 2019.

The world today rallies around the suicidal, behind the survivors of suicide, behind those having a hard time, behind those who are concerned for their mothers and brothers, dads and sisters, behind those who have written the note to say goodbye.

Please stay — if only for what is in today.