An Introduction

Welcome to 'Eating Yellow Paint, the online space where I will share my experiences as a Watson Fellow for the upcoming year!

Now, before I talk about the future, I'd like to speak to the past. When I was fifteen, I was scrolling through Tumblr in a defiant haze. You see, I had many moments in my adolescence where I was the epitome of the "angsty teen." As I was scrolling, something caught my eye. This brief anecdote informed me that when Vincent Van Gogh was at the peak of his madness, he decided to eat his yellow oil paints. He thought that the color yellow was so happy that he felt as though if he were to ingest the paint, it would make him as happy as the color itself.

A quick google search reveals that this Tumblr anecdote isn't entirely accurate. Van Gogh, according to the museum built in his honor (and the first place I visit upon arrival my in Amsterdam), never ate specifically yellow paint to alleviate his sadness and madness.

He did, however, attempt to kill himself by swallowing both his oil paints and turpentine…but, I repeat, Van Gogh never actually ate yellow paint with the intention of it making him happy.

And yet, despite this story's inaccuracy, 'Eating Yellow Paint' still feels right as the title for my blog. As I explore the world in hopes of learning more about why some people die by suicide and why some people refrain from dying by suicide, the fact still remains that people take their own lives all the time. (Émile Durkheim claims it to be a social fact.)

Suicidality has affected the people sitting next to you, your brother, your partner, and your mother. It touches the world's champions and marvels…people like Vincent Van Gogh. It affects others in the Netherlands, those who participate in euthanasia for their chronic woes. Suicidality touches people in Argentina, despite new mental health care laws meant to resolve this very issue. Suicidality also, sadly, affects indigenous Maori youth in New Zealand so frequently that New Zealand boasts the highest youth suicide rate in the world. And, even on the beautiful Hindu island of Bali, suicidality rises at an alarming rate.

But why? How can we help? Should we help?

And, more importantly, what can we learn about the philosophical underpinnings of life, death, and meaning from these spaces where suicidality is at its extreme?

What, in all of our clouded American stigma and fear, are we missing?

To answer these questions, I am going to "eat yellow paint" everywhere I go in hopes of better understanding how we can do better and what we are doing right. Or, in less Tumblr-esque wording – I am going to seek out the most challenging conversations I can find along with the most beautiful experiences the world has to offer; and open myself up to learning how different communities and cultures combat, alleviate, and understand suicidality across cultures.

I plan on going to the center of cultures and asking people what they stay alive for, who they stay alive for, and why they stay alive. I will speak to bioethicists in the Netherlands, lawmakers, and lawyers in Argentina, crisis intervention volunteers in New Zealand, psychiatrists and patients in Indonesia, and farmers and city dwellers in Nepal. I will also, attend international football friendlies, revel in mother nature, cry in rain forests, and drink some damn good (and damn nasty) coffee along the way.

But, there is something important to note within this first post. As I pack up my apartment in boxes and ready myself to leave behind loved ones and my gorgeous cat Sylvie, I realize that my Watson Year has already begun. It started the moment I was awarded the Fellowship, and quite frankly it has caught me off guard, and the harsh reality is that I wasn't ready to feel uprooted in transience so soon. But, I suppose the first dose of yellow paint don't go down so easy and ain't that easy to digest.

So, for those of you in Tacoma that are sticking it out with me until the bitter (sweet) end, thank you. I need you now more than ever and I am grateful for your joy, effort, and love to make this the best summer I've ever had. And, for all you Salt Lake socialites, I'll be in Utah June 24th through June 28th so show me all your love before it's too late.

More soon,

Samantha