Radical in Rotterdam

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In the past weeks, I have encountered a wide array of the world in a single place: two sisters from Belgium, a whole bunch’a’Brits, an architect from Germany (Emma, she became a close friend of mine), a Zimbabwean man, a DMT obsessed guy from the Ukraine who called an ambulance for himself after getting wayyy too high, some folx from Argentina, India, Ireland, and the Philippines, way too many Italians, a very sweet French baker boi, and, even some Seattleites.

However, amongst all this humanity, the man that impacted me the most hailed from São Paulo, Brasil, Gabriel. As we chatted over a Jupiler (the popular pilsner here – it’s two euro a pint during happy hour) our conversation transitioned into “tattoo talk.”

When I began to explain to him what my “TWLOHA” tattoo was about, a sad familiarity crept across his face. I asked him if he had any tattoos and he (I’m not kidding) took off his shirt and showed me a quote inked onto the upper-left side of his ribcage.

It read:

“E para os analistas de plantão: - fodom se!”

He told me that his dad killed himself when he was a little boy; this was the final quote on his suicide note.

It effectively translates to:

“For all those analyzing from the outside: - go fuck yourselves!”

We chatted about suicide for the rest of the night. He spoke with certainty about his father’s mental illness. His father’s father had also killed himself.

Two days before my train down to Rotterdam, I took a train north to the beach. There, I met with a beautiful Dutch woman, Shannon, who, I think, has given me the most authentic experience I've had yet.

We biked passed the national steel factory, through fields of industrial windmills. With our bare feet in the Atlantic, we talked about why she stays alive. After, we went to her favorite local bar and, over another pint of Jupiler, a Dutchman sat down and took a particular interest in my nationality. (I've started timing new interactions with people. It takes, on average, 2 minutes and 37 seconds before they ask me how I feel about having a white-supremacist idiot as a leader.)

I told him 1. “Fuck Donald Trump.” and 2. That I was in the Netherlands to understand their perspective on suicide, and more specifically, the practice of psychiatric euthanasia.

Accented, he told me that his mom died four years ago with the help of the 2002 Dutch Euthanasia Act.

"She was hurting, and I am happy I got to say goodbye while she was herself enough to understand what I meant when I told her I loved her."

Indeed, suicide is an interesting topic to take around the world. Not only does it catch the attention of the room, but it also opens the door for a connection across cultures. Suicide might be a taboo subject, but one that many people have been affected by.

I am fortunate to have already had such beautiful impromptu conversations with strangers.

However, these extemporaneous conversations remind me that I have a lot to learn. I can’t keep extrapolating and abstracting from the anguish, pain, and heartbreak that comes with death and suicide.

How do I go out of my way to empathize and feel the ache that comes with death while simultaneously keep a level head?

The intentional conversations I’ve had with other folx thus far have given me a different form of enlightenment.

My meeting with Dr. Suzanne van de Vathorst was radical. Dr. van de Vathorst is a leading bioethicist on the Netherlands Euthanasia Council. In short, here’s what she told me.

Doctors here, particularly General Practitioners, must be convinced of “hopelessness” and “unbearableness,” (along with other ‘Due Care Criteria’ i.e., "no reasonable alternative" and "voluntary request" etc.) before prescribing euthanetics to their patient. This is true for those who are seeking euthanasia for a terminal physical illness as well as a psychiatric illness (however, a psychiatric euthanasia requires corroboration from three other doctors, one being a psychiatrist).

If the request is convincing, the doctor must stay with the patient until the time of death. Then, the doctor submits the paperwork to the National Bioethics Council for review. This council is made up of a leading bioethicist (this being Dr. Suzanne van de Vathorst), a lawyer, and a chief General Practitioner.

I initially found it quite strange that it was after the time of death that the euthanasia is reviewed.

However, Dr. van de Vathorst insists that this is the safest and most sure-fire way for doctors to avoid prosecution for murder. If all the facts of the case are listed and the council is convinced the doctor acted in good faith, the case will not get sent to prosecution. However, if the criteria are not met, then the doctor very well could be convicted and lose their opportunity to administer euthanetics to patients in the future.
This has only happened two times.

I will sit down for coffee with one of these doctors in September.

The reason why I say that my conversation with Dr. Suzanne van de Vathorst was radical is that it reminded how naïve I still am. I thought that this Watson Year would give me some simple insights on how the United States Mental Health Care System could be more equitable, just, and ethical (is that redundant, or what?!). Instead, what I have now found is that a necessary condition for ensuring that folx who are struggling with their mental illness are treated with respect is Universal Health Care. In other words…

If we want an ethical U.S. mental health care system, then we must have a universal health care system.

The single most obvious thing that separates the Dutch health care system from the U.S. health care system is the faith and trust that civilians put in their doctors. Not only do most Dutch people keep their doctor for decades, but they also have faith that their doctor has their best interest at heart. If you compare this medical zeitgeist with that of the States, you can understand why we sincerely doubt the intentions of our doctors (Big Pharma's influence, Eli Lilly, and systemic racism, etc.).

After my meeting with Dr. van de Vathorst, she gave me the contact information for her Ph.D. student who is currently conducting qualitative research on the nuanced difference between suicide and psychiatric euthanasia. It is beyond fascinating to hear from folx who are requesting to die by psychiatric euthanasia and why they would prefer this death over a typical suicide.

A single quote I think captures the difference beautifully:

"I do not wish to die but I cannot bear to live."

I have my meeting with 113 zelfmoord preventie soon. I am also meeting with the politician that fought to allocate funds to combat suicide by train.

Arles, France is in two weeks.

I am on page 300 of ‘Infinite Jest.'

For the first time since June 1, my suitcase is unpacked.

Amsterdam Pride sucked.

I found a café here I really love – ‘Harvest Coffee Brewers.’

Cultivating a community has been difficult. Please don’t get me wrong, despite these beautiful experiences I am having, I ache daily for those I left in Tacoma - this is the price I pay for having one of the most beautiful summers of my life right before leaving. I miss making coffee for you all. Please listen to the song above to understand how I’ve been feeling.

Every morning I sit on the balcony of my room and drink a cup of Earl Grey.

Two days ago, I took a day trip to Enschede (EN-SKE-DE), NL, close to the German border, to feel the edges of my project. Questions concerning autonomy, the philosophy of technology, happiness, and suicide all came up.

(YOUR CO-STAR IS LISTENING TO YOU, YOUR PHONE KNOWS WHEN YOU’RE DEPRESSED.)

I really like spreadable meats.

I caught a cold (probably from my multiple Dutch baptisms).

I’ve been writing more poetry, click the ‘Poetry’ tab above to read some stuff.

Sam