Half-Way

Today, January 29, 2020 (NZT), marks the official half-way point of my Watson Year.

Today, I feel especially reflective and nostalgic. I am so grateful and honored to have been afforded this incredible opportunity.

My hindsight isn’t just 20/20, it’s also rose-colored.

I look back on this past half year with the kind of gratitude and joy that brings tears to my eyes.

I get even more emotional knowing that this year has also provided me with a tremendous amount of growth and new-found opportunity.

The entire trajectory of my life has changed.

It is as exciting as it is fucking horrifying.

But, this year has given me the confidence to tackle anything and everything with composure and curiosity.

And, I am abundantly grateful for every single person all across this goddamn globe who has made this year into what it has become. If I could, I would write love poems for each and every one of you. I miss you over here on this tiny island nation — more than you’ll ever know.

— But, that’s enough of that.

New Zealand has challenged me in a way I never saw coming.

On the one hand, I feel very grateful for my past self for designing my itinerary in such a way where I have found myself at the half-way mark of my Watson year in a country that makes it especially easy for me to get by.

I didn’t know it until I arrived in this country, but, The Netherlands, Lithuania, and Argentina all kept me on my toes in terms of merely making it through the day. Although my friends and acquaintances in the Netherlands speak English better than I do, I still felt incredibly uncomfortable starting a conversation with a stranger. I spent the four days I was in France silent, only uttering a quick “oui” or “merci” –  I didn’t even order coffee in Arles, a true testament to my anxiety over miscommunicating. In Lithuania, I didn’t speak at all (outside of my interviews and cappuccino runs). And, for the first couple weeks in Argentina, I ordered every coffee and cappuccino with a single earbud methodically planted in my right ear – that way, if I asked somebody to repeat a question or statement, they wouldn’t think I was stupid, they would just think I was a bitch.

However, I have since learned that I am in fact very, very stupid – especially concerning language and communication. I am a dumbass because I am so concerned about being misunderstood, that I let the fear of judgment and ridicule interfere with learning and human connection.

I spoke about this concern in my Watson interview. You know, the classic interview question: “What is your greatest weakness?” Or, “What do you foresee to be the biggest challenge on your Watson year?” I told Chris the story of the time I landed at the Singapore International Airport, headed to Sri Lanka, I almost went without eating, despite my stomach’s audible protests, because I did not know how to tell them what I want and that I was a vegetarian at that time.

It’s obvious to me now why I am so fearful of being misunderstood within the context of verbal communication…because sometimes, especially with regard to speaking, I am more concerned about being perceived as intelligent than I am with learning how to communicate differently.

Indeed, this is something that I unlearned a lot in Argentina, but I still have a very long way to go.

With all that being said, New Zealand, in all its accented-English-simplicity, requires me to actively remember the lessons, failures, and triumphs I have learned within the past six months. I have summarized them as such.

In the Netherlands, I felt liberated (because I saw how capable I was).  

In Lithuania, I felt validated (both by myself and others).

In Argentina, I felt humbled (because I am an insecure asshole).

And, here, I feel inspired (by different ways of knowing and the natural beauty of Aotearoa).

I feel inspired here because I am able to come up for air in a way I was not able to in the previous countries. And, with this air, I am suddenly able to comprehend and resynthesize old ideas.

And, do not even get my started on the exciting opportunity I have to ask deeper and more nuanced questions with the folx here because I know that nothing will be lost in translation.

I am learning a lot here.

And, now is the time to share a bit with you all.

I have told my mom and a few friends who have reached out that Auckland has no soul. And, I stand by this. In my five-hour-long breakfast/lunch/coffee interview with Daena Walker, she made the comparison of Aotearoa and Hawai’i.

It’s not that the land has no soul, the landscape is vibrant and beautiful and the weather? Mild and sunny. Instead, it’s that this culture has been rocked by neoliberalism, colonialism, and tourism. And, I know that to many of you who read this, you are all probably thinking “Oh, this is just Sam being a ‘Social Justice Warrior’ again.” But, really, I have never once seen and experienced the sublime so monetized and commodified.

For example, I am traveling down to Wellington in a few weeks. Do you want to know the cheapest way to get there? Plane. A FUCKING plane. Why? Because the train takes a scenic route and so they are able to make a one-way ticket close to 300 NZD. In a plane that is flying above the clouds, you don’t see the beauty of this land…so it doesn’t cost nearly as much.

It’s similar to Hawai’i in that so many of the opportunities and goods here are not made for locals, but for tourists. The city is getting more and more gentrified and houselessness is at an all-time high. And, guess who is most likely to be sleeping on the streets? Māori people.  (This was a large part of my conversation with Mayor Phil Goff’s office.)

However, I am able to find soul and meaning within the conversations I have with people (although not all). In talking about lived experience, the survival of the Māori language, and the different ways indigenous mental health care workers design meaningful and genuine tools for Māori youth to engage with that utilize their culture rather than the medical model of mental illness is beyond beautiful.

Moreover, I met with the Auckland mayor’s office and had some really beautiful conversation and connection about rural farmer suicide. I feel as though this is an important addition to my research here and in general because I never want to lose sight of, or forget that the people who are “statistically” most likely to kill themselves are middle-aged white men.

Lastly, one of the most important turns my research has taken here concerns epistemology and the philosophy of science. Yet another important part of the Watson vetting process is that as fellows, we do not fall victim to Confirmation Bias. And damn, am I trying my darndest!

I have begun to teach myself the entire University of Puget Sound’s “Philosophy of Science” syllabus. I just finished a book called “Post-Truth.” And, I am actively questioning why I believe what I believe, how I know what I know, and why I dismiss what I do.

What ways of knowing do you trust? Why do you trust this more than others?

Does your preferred way of knowing require people to negotiate their lived experience and internal identity so you can understand something within the scientific method?

Remember that your Co-Star is listening to you.

The new book I’m reading is called Mostly Dead Things. (Infinite Jest sits lonely on my bookshelf still.)

Meeting soon with the Chief Coroner of New Zealand.

I want to write a love poem for public transportation.

Speaking of poems! There is some new stuff right up there in that ‘Poetry’ tab!

What is darkness? Why do we associate negativity with darkness? Where did this metaphor originate?

I’m listening to a lot of songs about suicide. Trying to understand in my free time how media shapes our perceptions of suicidality.

Looks like I’m going to Israel for the month of July (pending Watson Foundation approval). The plan is to explore how suicidality erupts from military conflict and war. If anyone has any good reads on the Israel-Palestine conflict I would really love to read them!

 I was asked to co-write an article with Dr. Alejandro Brian from Hospital Álverez! (-“:

 Sorry for the length of this post – a lot has happened.

 My birthday is right around the corner. (Pssst. That means I get to see my soulmate, Kenzi Anderson).

 I’m gonna shut the fuck up now.

Bye, my dudes.